How deep is your bench?

No one should be doing it alone

In life, both personal and professional, it's seldom a straight shot from Point A to Point B. Often we'll be faced with all kinds of detours, some that will delight us and others that make us want to pull our hair out (or worse). I don't think I'm the only one who sometimes wishes life would always go the way I wanted and had planned. But when I'm being honest with myself I recognize it's the tough times that teach me the most.

Usually, I come out of them with a deeper understanding of what really matters to me. Frequently I've added tools I'll be able to use again if/when something similar happens. The hardest part is believing whatever it is I'm going through is just part of the journey. It's not going to result in "failure" unless I let it. 

As with every newsletter I write, this topic was spurred by something I'm going through. When my son finished High School we opted to use "Self-Direction". It may be called something different in the state you live in. We're responsible for managing his budget and hiring staff to support his person-centered plan. I thought, given the information I had at the time, that this would be the best option for him because I felt it afforded us the most freedom and control.

I knew going into it there would be more work for me because I would be responsible for hiring and managing his staff. I underestimated how tough it would be to find employees. I also failed to take into account how my son would react to having staff. I knew he didn't like school, but I really didn't stop to consider (or ask) his feelings about working with someone.

Out of respect for his privacy, I'm just going to say it hasn't gone well. He's an adult, and although I'm his legal guardian my preference is to allow him to decide how much (or how little) he wants to share. We're moving from the self-directed model to working with an agency. This should help reduce some of the friction because I won't be so involved. Speaking for myself, I couldn't wait to get out from under my parents' thumb. I enlisted as a Junior in High School (I was 17) and left for Boot Camp 3 days after I turned 18. I digress, this is a story for a different day.

We've had a lot of challenges over the last year or so. At first, I felt like a failure for not being able to make self-directed work. I also felt like a failure as a business owner because my focus was only on doing the bare minimum to run the business. It's a slippery slope, feeling sorry for yourself. If you're not careful you can end up in a deep, dark pit with no apparent means of escape.

I didn't go that far into the abyss. I don't know if this will sound the way I intend it to, but here it is. I tapped into what I learned from Peaks and Valleys, a book I read after my wife died.  It made (and continues to make) a huge difference in how I face adversity. These were the same tools I used after I got my cancer diagnosis and wasn't sure how bad it was going to be. I reminded myself I've been through worse.

Having a network of people I trust enough to share my concerns and insecurities with helped a lot too. Getting the perspective of someone I trust, someone I know will tell me the truth even (especially) if I don't want to hear it, was a critical piece of me getting my head back on straight. For me, an echo chamber commiserating with me about how hard life is is the exact opposite of what I needed.

It required effort. I had to put in the work to create and maintain the relationships with those I leaned on. You don't want to do this when you're in crisis. It's very unlikely you'll have the desire or energy to do so. And speaking for myself, I'm slow to trust someone enough to make myself vulnerable. 

Have you done the work? Are you maintaining your relationships, or are you allowing yourself the convenient excuse of "Covid"? There's no judgment, many of my friends will tell you I'm among the worst at keeping in touch on a good day. I recognize I don't make it a priority. I'm asking you to do the same if it's applicable. That's the first step - stop lying to yourself.