New Year, No Resolutions

This year try something different

This time of year I see a lot of articles about “new beginnings” and “new year, new you”. In fact, I think I wrote a similar article a few years ago. But I’ve changed my perspective. I don’t feel there is anything “magical” about any particular date, if you’re going to make changes then I believe you need to start as soon as you commit. I choose my words carefully, because "wanting” to do something is not the same as “committing” to doing something.

To me, a commitment means you’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen. I felt it was hypocritical to recommend therapy to many of my clients even though I hadn’t addressed my own issues. Still, until recently I wasn’t ready to commit to being open with a therapist. And in my opinion, it didn’t make much sense to pay for therapy if you’re not going to open up. Ultimately my desire to have a better relationship with my fiance’ overcame my resistance to seeing a therapist.

For me, I think this reticence is tied to a feeling of I should be able to do this myself. Growing up I became very independent at an early age. Like many of you reading this, I didn’t have the best childhood. It led to me joining the Navy when I was a Junior in High School and leaving for Boot Camp 3 days after I turned 18. I don’t regret that decision, my service, and subsequent retirement gave me the resources needed to start True North Disability Planning and the ABCs of Disability Planning podcast. My son will also benefit because I can keep him on my health insurance for the rest of his life and he’ll get a portion of my pension when I’m gone.

Looking back I acknowledge I was running away. It took years to come to terms with the fact I didn’t love my parents. In fact, there was a period when I wanted them dead. My mom has since died, I don’t remember when, and although I no longer hate her, I certainly don’t miss her. I’ve resolved my issues with her, and I still believe I made the right decision to not allow my son to have much contact with them.

Maybe you’ve made a resolution to spend more time with family, even though you really don’t want to. You don’t have to. In my opinion, family is just a word, I don’t feel there should be a special connection just because you’re related to someone. You don’t have any say in this. If your environment is toxic, get out. Surround yourself with people who love and value you, and help you feel good about yourself.

The same goes if you find yourself defending your child’s behaviors to relatives who don’t understand and, more importantly, have no interest in seeking to learn more. Find yourself a “tribe”. You deserve to feel welcome and accepted. If you’re going to make a resolution, resolve to only let people into your inner circle who will help you become your best self.