When you're not enough

We all need people we can trust and rely on

This month I'd like to build off last month's newsletter. Sometimes everything you have to give just isn't enough. This usually isn't a mark against you, although that's how most of us (including myself) take it. The trick is not only recognizing when this is the case but also being okay with backing off and asking for help. Our inner voice can be our worst enemy, whispering all the possible things that could go wrong if you go outside your inner circle.

Maybe this worry is justified - you've been burned in the past. I know I've had my share of times when my trust was misplaced, resulting in less than ideal outcomes (to put it mildly). Don't let these past experiences define your current and future expectations. Everyone needs support - whether you're reading this as a professional, a parent, or both. You can't do it alone. There are good people out there, let's explore how to find them.

First thing first, get very clear on what you need. This can be tough, especially if what you've encountered is new to you. I like to make sure I understand what the root problem is. Sometimes the most obvious things are just symptoms of a deeper issue. Don't fool yourself into believing you know what's wrong, this may be a perfect time to start with an outside perspective.

The good news is someone else you know has probably gone through something similar. As humans, we tend to associate with those who have had shared experiences - it gives us common ground to build a relationship. If you don't know anyone, or you don't feel comfortable asking anyone (equally valid), then I would start the search for a professional. Let's use an example.

Your daughter has recently started acting out. Nothing in her environment has changed, she hasn't started a new school, doesn't have new staff, etc. It just feels like in the last few weeks she's been prone to outbursts - screaming at you, hitting you, etc. 

You don't have any friends who have (or who have shared) similar experiences with their child. You don't think your boss is going to want to hear it, they just want you to come to work and do your job. It doesn't feel like you have anyone you can talk to. You're starting to feel like you're drowning, you don't know what to do.

In this situation it's common, and understandable, to feel completely alone and overwhelmed. When you get into a place like this it can frequently lead to feelings that there is nothing you can do, so why bother trying. In the future, you'll hopefully have built a strong support network, for now, let's work with the world you are living in.

For a situation like I've described above, I would refer you to a few places. The first would be trying to find a therapist for your daughter and making an appointment with her primary care doctor. Doing these together will help identify any external and/or internal problems.

I know first-hand how challenging it can be to find a therapist, especially if your child is on Medicaid. This may be a time to bite the bullet and look for a private pay option. Betterhelp is a company I've heard a lot of positive things about. You could also use Anne's Friends if you'd prefer to find someone you can see in person. 

If you need a safe place to vent check out Supportiv. My interview with them will be coming out later this month, I encourage you to listen to it if you'd like to learn more. In short, it's an anonymous online support network. Use this as a stepping stone to building out a more robust team of individuals you can turn to. I created a few handouts to help you identify some of the team members, you can download them for free here.

How did I determine the companies I mentioned were "safe" and "worth it"? As I explained above, I have heard a LOT of positive feedback about BetterHelp. In the case of Anne's Friends and Supportiv, I got to know them (which is my preference). When I first started Special Needs Navigator (now True North Disability Planning) I was 100% scheduling appointments with professionals I thought could help my son. But these weren't appointments to be their clients, I was approaching them as a peer so I could learn more about who they were as a person.

Ten years in I'm no longer limiting myself to who can help my son. I've built a very robust (~ 217 pages) Google Doc with links to resources around the country that I use to help my clients and fellow professionals. But I still seek to understand who they are as a person, I want to feel comfortable making referrals to them. 

I'm willing to bet the professionals you are working with also have people they know well and refer to. Why not ask them? You don't have to go into detail if you don't want to. If you feel it would help you trust their recommendations ask them what criteria they used to decide who they would refer to. 

If you have no options available, or you don't want to tap into your network, reach out to me. I offer a free, 15-minute call. This isn't a forum where I give advice, but I'm happy to give you resources if I have them. If you want faster results you're probably better off emailing me at eric@specialneedsnavigator.us. If you have more involved questions you haven't been able to find answers to I also offer consultations for families and professionals.

The worst thing any of us can do is try to go through life on our own. We all have unique skills and strengths, and I've found I get the best results when I lean on those whose strengths complement my weaknesses. And there are a LOT of people in this world, if someone screws you over you don't have to keep them in your circle. They can be replaced. It's okay to protect yourself, you are worth fighting for.